It’s August 17th, and Atherton is in fine form. Original blotter text in bold. Names redacted for politeness.
==========================================================================
08:25 ROAD / SIDEWALK / OTHER HAZARD
Occurred at Encinal Av/Middlefield Rd. hazard in construction zone. Disposition: No Merit.
“Officer, there are all these men putting cones in the road. Someone could have an accident!”
“Uhh. Huh. We’ll get right on that.”
==========================================================================
09:16 ANIMAL CALL
Occurred on Park Dr. Dog barking, This is an on-going issue. RP wants contact. Disposition: Report Taken.
A dog has barked more than once. This is not only an on-going phenomenon, but an issue, since sounds are not allowed in Atherton.
=========================================================================
14:05 ANIMAL CALL
Officer initiated activity at Selby Ln, Atherton.dog in the roadway. Returned to the owner. Disposition: Assisted.
I don’t know why they’re saving that dog; it’s just going to go bark, and then someone’s going to complain, and then it’s back to pulling a dog cart at the salt mines.
==========================================================================
15:52 DISTURBANCE- NOISE/FIGHT
Occurred on Irving Av. .Heard help and hello in back yard. Special needs subject visiting. No merit. Disposition: Checks Ok.
“OFFICER, THERE IS A PERSON SHOUTING HELLO IN A BACK YARD, AND I GUESS MAYBE ALSO HELP!!! PLEASE COME DO SOMETHING!”
“We’ll get right on it!”
[…]
“It turns out that there’s no cause for concern, sir, it’s just a person with developmental disabilities who is very friendly.”
“Is that allowed?”
==========================================================================
16:37 MEDICAL AID
Occurred at Laurel School on Edge Rd. . Service Class: BUSN male subject fell and can not get up. Needs fire assistance. Disposition: Outside Assist.
Fire assistance? Did he fall in the upper branches of a tree? Is he on fire?
==========================================================================
17:19 PETTY THEFT
Occurred on Heather Dr. subject taking recycling form the bins. White panel truck HM. F----,J---- – 01/14/75 cite 488PC Disposition: Report Taken.
Another member of the South Side Recyclables Theft (and also House Burglary) Gangster Crew, no doubt.
==========================================================================
18:00 THEFT OF RECYCLABLES
Occurred on Cowell Ln. Subj in Red SUV believed to be removing recyclables between hrs of 7pm and 7am; picked up every other week; next p/u is 08/10/10
Oh no! The SSRT(aaHB)GC have begun to schedule and coordinate their activities. The neighborhood will soon be helpless before the scourge of trash picker / cat burglars. The only way that this can be stopped is for good citizens to swamp the police with reports of trash pickers. Then they can have like task force or something, with a big map with pins, with different colored pins for different times of day, and pretty soon all the pins will line up in concentric circles around the secret underground recycling theft base, and then they can send in the police dogs, and that’ll be that.
==========================================================================
19:39 SUSPICIOUS PERSON
Officer initiated activity at Sp Depot, Dinkelspiel Station Ln, Atherton.Out with subjs/advised train does not stop. Disposition: Advised.
A person was sitting at a train station on a weekday. This wouldn’t normally be a suspicious activity. In Atherton, of course, it is, because the good citizens long ago lobbied Caltrain not to stop at their train station except on weekends, when they might want to use it to quaintly ride up to a quaint baseball game or something. During the week, it is noisy, and might attract undesirables.
==========================================================================
20:56 FIRE CALL – GENERAL
Occurred at Menlo College, Main Comp on El Camino Real. . Fire alarm/per fire it’s burnt popcorn/ Disposition: Assisted.
Menlo College is one of Atherton’s minor attractions. It bills itself as “Silicon Valley’s Business School” and offers a reasonably-priced education that (hopefully) feeds graduates directly into management positions with prestigious local companies. Menlo is pretty anxious to reassure interested parties that it is a real college with real college stuff, like accreditation and women’s wrestling and everything. It could skip most of that rigamarole, though, and just post this police report, since the essential difference between college campuses and other places is the presence of frequent popcorn-induced fire alarms.
I am deeply concerned about the activities of the SSRT(aaHB)GC. They threaten to rip apart the fabric of society.
Posted by: chase | 09/15/2010 at 11:51 AM
Can I get a shirt that says SSRT(aaHB)GC?
Posted by: Vlargitect | 09/17/2010 at 09:50 AM
I mean, I'm sure we could make a shirt. A tattoo might be more appropriate, though, to represent your serious commitment to awesomely disrupting society by taking glass bottles out of their designated bins. I'm thinking like a big blackletter arc across your shoulder blades, and maybe like a stylized recycling bin with a dollar sign in the middle of the recycling symbol in the center of the arc, and also a gun or something.
Actually, I guess that could just be a shirt.
Posted by: mike | 09/17/2010 at 06:21 PM